Seeing our molds and activities of the self is an incredible tool. However, I discovered that it is equally important to be able to accept what I see. During the OPC course, I realized that all along I was resisting my fears, guilt, shame, despair and suffering. I was waiting for a time when I will be free from all these “negative” emotions. I was hoping go beyond all suffering. During and since the OPC course, I have found an incredible acceptance for all these emotions. Now when I feel a negative emotion, I simply go into seeing and then joy. I could go into the seeing mode before the OPC course as well, but at that point, I was not able to accept these and would resist these feeling and hope they go away forever. In that resisting and fighting of these feelings, my suffering remained intact and often intensified.
Only now I truly get why oneness guides keep saying again and again about mind being ancient and these emotions are its characteristics. How they explain that to expect not to have such emotions in mind is similar to expecting a fire without heat or sugar without sweetness. Now I see that a mold inside me was resisting and fighting this powerful ancient mind and was really hoping to go beyond all suffering. Seems so incredibly idiotic at this point.
I have really suffered at and hated my job for about a year now. However, after returning from OPC, I noticed that I still hate the job but the related suffering is diminished significantly. I burst out laughing when I was hit with the realization that most people who I know actually do hate their job. Now it is more like OK I hate my job but where is the problem. That is the way it is? Who says that we are supposed to love our jobs?
Another story I had was that I have not passion in life. I was not suffering due to lack of passion but because I wanted it to change into passion. I can say from personal experience that this fighting with the mind to change lack of passion into passion is really a miserable way to live.
Same goes for fear of failure and shame. I was always unconsciously resisting these emotions and hoping for these to go away for good. Now I do see them but with acceptance and therefore I am not waiting or fighting them to go away. That is where there is both release and joy.
Having said that, I have to point out that I went through intense process during the OPC two weeks that resulted in such acceptance of my suffering. As a concept, I have known that I need to accept these things for several years now. Yet I had a mold that would make it its business to fight any negative feeling or emotion. This fight is what I was identified with and the result in intense suffering.
The irony of this all is that once I accept suffering and see that its OK if I suffer, I feel more fearless than ever before in my life.
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